Stigma – the problem is, it’s not just about the person with the addiction

A client recently shared his story and was happy to share an anonymised version to help others.

His partner had been an alcoholic for more than a decade. In that time there had been no physical violence but plenty else with extremes of Jekyll and Hyde behaviour many family members struggle with.

Over time he had been through countless approaches to rehab, publicly funded and private, visits from social services, had made friends with a number of constabularies (who, he reports, had been supportive and understanding), a threatened suicide attempt, worries about money, worries about the mental health of the children and the long-term implications … many, many things that others have so eloquently documented and will no doubt relate to.

Over time, particularly in the early years, he had told no-one and did his utmost to shield his children .. mummy was poorly and had gone to bed early, mummy had picked up a bug which was why she was behaving strangely … and so on. He started declining social gatherings to avoid unnecessary embarrassments, made excuses at work, and side-stepped wider-family occasions. As time wore on, his tolerance wore out, he was less prepared to compromise his life to such an extreme degree. Eventually he shared his story with a couple of close friends, who weren’t at all surprised – funnily enough they thought it was obvious. They were protective and tried to be understanding, but could, at times, be judgemental (and the judgement was about why he was staying and putting up with it).

Doing what’s best ….

So here’s where we come to the point of this post. He is an intelligent, professional man and while his mental health suffered on occasions, he had been able to make his own rational decisions. He swore that he would give his children the best start in life that he could, no matter what – they were the source of his resilience, determination and frankly, purpose. He had constantly assessed what he felt was best for them, physically and mentally – he had been close to leaving several times but felt that it wasn’t the right thing for them.

He made it clear that it wasn’t about him – he had extended family and friends who to this day don’t know anything about the challenges he has been through, nor will they. Others will no doubt be in a similar position, he’s not unique - and herein lies the problem; the stigma associated with addiction keeps everyone silenced, not necessarily for themselves but for loved ones and those they want to protect.

This story is all too common – somehow it seems so much harder to discuss this in open forums than, say, dementia, autism or other forms of mental health.